She--I Did It

Yesterday was tough for me. Parenting is not for the weak. 

Hadley had a counseling appointment early in the day, which perfectly lined up with the anxiety-inducing gymnastics class. I debriefed her counselor on everything gymnastics, how I was NOT going to let her quit over her bathroom anxieties, and how I was trying to show her she could do hard things and be okay.  I am so grateful for this counselor and how she encourages Hadley and gives her tools for her life. 

An hour later, Hadley bounced into the lobby, talking nonstop. I could tell her appointment went well, but the thumbs up from the counselor verified my conclusion.

Later, on the way to gymnastics, I noticed Hadley fiddling with her watch. She wasn't talking, and Hadley is ALWAYS talking. We went inside, had our temperatures taken, and waited for her class. Then came the tears. 

Sometimes, I feel like I am totally messing up. Maybe I am TOO close to my kids. Can you be too close? Maybe I spend TOO much time with them. Is that possible? Most kids are dropped off at the gym. I always watch. I just don't want to miss it. Watching my kids progress at something amazes me. 

I went to the parent waiting area after practically pushing Hadley into the gym, and here she came. Tears. Hysteria. Sobs. Sniffling. Her classmate came to get her, and she couldn't stop crying. I decided I was going to have to leave in order for her to calm down. It's like when you drop your crying toddler off at daycare, and as soon as you walk out the door, they are fine. I left. I know this is not a big deal. I knew that she would be fine. Why is it so hard? Why are things like this so hard? 

An hour later, Hadley bounced out of the gym smiling. SMILING. 

"You did it!" I said. "Aren't you proud of yourself? You did it!" I really was thinking, "I did it!"

After gymnastics, I took her to a friend's house for a sleepover. As soon as I got home, my phone rang. It was Hadley. Sobbing. Hysterical. Sniffling. Hysterical. She wanted to come home. She wanted me to come and get her. Nothing had happened. Nothing was wrong. She just wanted to be home. I was not going to get her. 

She cried enough that I was questioning myself, and I could feel myself weakening. My husband stepped in (thank goodness) and said we would call her in an hour and check on her. I hung up on her. And cried. Why is parenting so hard? 

This morning, I got a text from my friend saying Hadley was "happy as a clam." Yes! She did it! 

I did it. 

I know these are only small moments of having to let go, but letting go is so hard. Making your child do hard things is so much harder for the parent. You know they will be better off for it, and you know they will be fine, but it is so hard. I know there will be many years of letting her hurt through things and experience things I cannot even imagine right now. I know I will have to let her go many times. 

I don't think it's random that Hadley is so much like my mom. Our relationship is reminiscent of the one I had with my mom. Her personality is a lot like my mom's. I have noticed over time that I have filled this void with several people that are like my mom. Some have personalities like my mom and some just love me like she loved me--unconditionally and without judgment. 

Letting go of my mom was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. She was my best friend. Letting go, though, also allowed others in.  You don't know how strong you are until you have to let go of something or someone and find yourself healing on the other side. 

So, I will continue to let go and let Hadley grow and watch her heal and come out strong on the other side.