Are You Trans?

 I haven't written for years, mostly because Hadley is 13, and she has had a smooth ride, since she is getting older and knows everyone at her school. She hasn't been questioned about being in the wrong bathroom or asked if she is a boy.  A couple of weeks ago, though, she felt a familiar feeling. 

Hadley's school soccer team was playing a nearby school and beating them. At the end of the game, while shaking hands, a girl yelled out, "Are you trans?" Hadley was mortified but said nothing. 

Hadley said she thought, "Why would you say that out loud? Why wouldn't you just ask me that on the field?" 

I told her that the girl may have felt angry for losing and wanted to embarrass her. Maybe the girl was genuinely curious. 

It's hard to believe that at this point, in 2024, kids still think a person with short hair and masculine clothing MUST be a boy or transgender, that this is the only explanation, but it continues.

Hadley's team and coaches offered to stand up for her, but Hadley doesn't ever want that kind of attention. She never has. She just wants to be HER, a girl with very short hair and clothing that she feels comfortable in. 

That same evening, Hadley had a band concert, and her dad took her to a park in between activities. He had already asked if she wanted to change clothes in the locker room before they left the school, and she quickly said no. He then asked at the park if she wanted to change in the bathroom. When he looked up and noticed a white man and some kids near the bathroom doors, he said he hoped they wouldn't say anything to Hadley as she entered the women's bathroom. He then noticed she entered the men's, and no one looked twice. 

Two days after the game incident, Hadley got in some big trouble for bullying another student. Apparently, other girls in her class were telling her to do these mean things, and she would do them. She admitted she just wanted them to think she was cool or brave, even though doing those things hurt another person. Maybe these things are totally unrelated, but I doubt it. Middle school kids are constantly making choices, good or bad, based on fitting in or being part of a group. 

Luke had recently given a math presentation to other instructors about assuming gender identities and being inclusive. He ended his presentation with a slide of Hadley. He got choked up talking about her being the "why" behind this presentation, how people have always assumed she is a boy. 

Luke was cleaning up around the house yesterday and found this card:

This was a sort of mantra that Hadley's counselor gave her to say when people questioned her. This was when she was young, around 9. The back of the card has breathing exercises for when she was anxious about it all.

I can't remember exactly what the numbers mean, but Hadley knew. It breaks my heart for that little girl to have to explain herself to others her whole life, just because she didn't fit the mold.

People have always said to me, "Why doesn't she just grow her hair out?" Well, recently she actually tried it. She HATED her hair on her forehead. She hated how "hot" (she gets very hot) it was. She feels like herself with short hair. That's it. That should be enough. We all wear our hair how we want, or at least most of us do.None of us should compromise being us to appease others, right? And none of us should compromise being us to be LIKE everyone else, right?

I recently asked Hadley if she has ever "like-liked" a girl at school. She looked at me like most 13-year-old girls look at their moms when they disapprove of something we say, and she said, "No, because I can't. I just can't." She knows what kind of attention that would bring in our school, and she is not up for it. It makes me sort of sad, but I am leaving it with her. 

She is in control of her life and her choices. I am just here to support her, help guide her, and love her. 

Isn't it really that simple? It feels so huge, parenting. It is so hard and has left me in tears often. But it comes down to loving your child no matter what, and that includes loving WHO they are, every part of them.