Acceptance

I haven't written in a very long time. I could destroy my daughter's social life in one click of a mouse if the wrong people read it. I don't even know if anyone WILL read it, since I don't want to share on social media, because these "wrong" people (or maybe "right" people--people who need to read it) will see.

I tear up just thinking about writing this all down...

Last summer, Hadley went to Vacation Bible School with her VERY best friend. This girl plays on her travel team, and somehow they have really clicked. This is a Baptist church, so Hadley and I both tread with caution, since we know the beliefs there very well. (I was raised Baptist, and Hadley went many times with my parents when she was younger.)

Hadley came home near the end of the week and said, "I don't know about all the gay stuff. I might not be." I looked at her beautiful face and said, "You know what? It really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you are straight, trans, queer, bi, or gay. Or whatever! All that matters is that you are true to yourself. You will never truly be at peace or happy unless you are true to yourself." She said, "I know." 

I left it at that. I knew what she was doing. She was trying to cancel out who she really was to be a part of this community, to truly fit in.

As time went on, I tried to set up times where she could hang out with her best friend. She came over a few times in the summer for a few hours at a time, and they would giggle in Hadley's room or play soccer outside. Something like "Fuller House" was on TV, and they were on their phones, laughing, eating junk food. 

As the school year started, I would invite her friend over, and there would always be an excuse. "We already have plans for Saturday," was the typical answer. Hadley would say, "Mom, they don't have plans." I would say, "I know." We would chuckle. 

Hadley's friend would ask her parents if Hadley could come over, and sometimes she would be allowed to, but most of the time "they had plans."

Last weekend, though, they asked her to spend the night. It was a Sunday night, so we had to drop her at the Baptist church. Hadley likes the church. She likes the people. The people are VERY nice to her. She said some people just stare at her, and she knows some people stare. (Or maybe they are confused by a buzz and boobs. Remember, we are in the South. Girls have long hair. Boys mostly have short hair.)

We went hiking the following day, and Hadley said, "At church, they were asking for prayer requests, and this lady said, 'I want to pray for someone having top surgery tomorrow.'" I looked at Hadley, shocked, wondering where this was going. "Did she say what the prayer was for?" I asked her. I mean, it would surprise me if they were praying for her/his/their healing, but isn't that what they should be praying for? Hadley said, "For the devil to come out of her, so she would change her mind." 

I said, "Would that be so wonderful if they were praying for her to heal and be happy and whole?" Something like that. Hadley agreed. I also said, "I'm sure not everyone in that church agrees with that (older) woman. Some people were probably thinking it was off to pray for that. 

Then, Hadley said, "I really want to go to church. I always have, since I went with Nana and Papa, and everyone around here goes to church. But I want to go someone where everyone is accepted, and people aren't praying those types of prayers." I assured her there HAS to be a church like that close to us, and I would start looking. I then said, "I would be glad to take you to church, but I am only taking you to a church where a prayer request about top surgery would be, ‘Pray that they recover quickly and feel like themselves.’" Something like that.

She agreed.

My search began, and later that night, I texted Hadley from bed (because I go to bed earlier than everyone else and am still working from there somehow): I found a few churches in our area that we can try.

She texted back: Thanks for looking, Mom. Can I order a Bible?

I texted her: You can, as long as you promise me to use it as a moral guide from stories and uplifting verses and not a rule book you should follow.

She texted back: I promise.

We will try a church on Sunday and see how it goes. I am so skeptical of all of it, being raised in my church. I would like to think a church could be like the one I want, but I'm not sure.

I also am totally aware of the irony that if my Facebook friends read this, there would be widespread prayer requests for me.