Here We Go Again

Yesterday, we had soccer tryouts. Hadley has played soccer on this girls' travel team for a year, so we already got passed the "Hadley is a girl" thing. Mostly.

The closer we got to the field, Hadley's anxiety rose. 

"Who is my coach going to be? Am I going to have the same coach?

Who is going to be on my team? Are the same girls going to be on my team?"

Since I knew most of the people there, most people knew Hadley was a girl. Most.

"Weren't you here for the boy's tryouts last night?" the photographer asked.

Hadley just stared, not confident enough to verbally answer for herself yet.

It seems you can't make a kid feel confident. We're working on that. 

On the way home from try-outs, I said, "I noticed the new tall girl hesitating to walk toward the group. She looked like she was going to cry, and I remembered you feeling like that last year."

Hadley said, "Yeah, but she doesn't have to worry that someone is going to tell you that you're in the wrong tryouts, because this one is for girls."

I said (again), "We just have to tell people that you're a girl, so they can fix it in their brains. You know, in our country, we grow up learning that boys look like "this", and girls look like "this," and when we say, 'She's a girl,'" people can think, 'Oh, right. She's a girl. Short hair and different clothes.' That's it. They just have to switch it in their brains."

Hours later, I brought up the bra again. Gag. 

"You're going to have to wear a bra soon." 

Her eyes filled with tears.

"I don't want to," she said. 

"I know, but maybe just for sports," I said. 

"I will look like a boy with a bra. It will look so stupid! I just want to have that surgery, so I don't have boobs." She stormed upstairs.

Then, there is last night at gymnastics. Hadley has been in the same group of girls for about 4 weeks. In fact, there is only one other girl in her actual class. Hadley LOVES gymnastics. Her whole goal was to do a backhandspring, like my cheerleaders at my middle school. She is almost there! In just half a year, she has progressed incredibly. The first night back this month, however, she didn't want to go. 

"I just don't want to go. It's going to be summer, and I don't want to have to do things. Plus, I don't like gymnastics." 

I knew none of this was really true. After I pried and questioned, she finally told me. She had overheard me speaking to someone about the girls having to wash their hands between every exercise. She knew this meant she would be going to the bathroom. Often. I promised her I would meet her at the bathroom and stand to the side just in case someone said she was in the wrong bathroom. My plan totally failed. Her strategy was to run as fast as she could to the bathroom, probably splashing barely any water on her hands, and getting out of there before any other girls got in. I run pretty fast, but my girl must run a lot faster, because I never even saw her.  

After that first night, there were tears. Apparently, an adult told Hadley she was in the wrong bathroom. I don't ever fault an adult for this. She doesn't either. She knows she chooses to look the way she does, and she knows that adults aren't being mean, they just need to fix this idea about gender in their brains. After sending an email and calling, I promised Hadley that all of the adults in the gym now knew she is a girl. 

Last night, after a hand-washing break, Hadley walked up to me and started sobbing. Hysterical sobbing. I got her to calm down enough to figure out she had been washing her hands in the boys' bathroom, and someone told her she could use the girls' room. Of course, this is exactly what the adult should say. This was the final straw, I guess, for Hadley. She just couldn't calm down enough to continue the class. Later, I found out that she was using the boys' room, because she thought maybe the other girl in her class thought she was a boy. All of this is in Hadley's head. For some reason, she doesn't feel confident enough to just say, "I'm a girl." Again, we are working on that.

I realize now that our quarantine bubble has been really safe for Hadley. No one is questioning her about who she is. She hasn't had to explain herself to anyone for quite some time. We have been celebrating Pride Month, buying Pride hats and shirts (Hadley's request), and really just celebrating everyone being themselves. Truly themselves. This week of public activities has just been a lot for Hadley. 

One day this week, Hadley said she wished there was a Gay Camp, where she could be in a cabin and wake up and think, "I'm in a cabin with kids like me." Of course, yes, I immediately looked for one, even though the world is in some form of quarantine. Then, I looked up my Facebook group of parents like me that support their LGBTQ+ kids. I asked them to post pictures of their children and tell about them, so Hadley could see other kids like her. People are still posting pictures, and it has truly given us so much joy! Someone in the group encouraged all of us parents that we are doing the right thing. She was told as a child that she was not allowed to dress a certain way or be who she knew she was. At 57, she is finally herself, but she admitted that her childhood and teen years were filled with depression and loneliness until she was 29. 

We all worry that we are screwing up at this whole parenting thing. Are we being too strict? Are we being too soft? Are we being too pushy? Should we push more? The one thing I do not question is letting Hadley be herself. Despite the hard times I share, 90% of the times are full of joy and overflowing spirit, and I know in the end, she is going to become the confident person she needs to be to speak up for herself.