Where to Begin. Boobs.
Welcome to Raising Hadley. This is my first post, and I really didn't know where to begin. The beginning of Hadley? The beginning of the thoughts of Hadley? Well, today, opportunity presented itself as something that is important. Boobs.
We are painting Hadley's dresser from brown to white and installing new hardware to match her loft bed, so of course she would want to go through her closet and rearrange the REST of her room. Of course she did. We went through her underwear (her boxer briefs) and socks and put the ones she didn't want in her brother's drawer. (Side note: Even though she wears boy clothes, she LOVES getting new ANYTHING. She loves new socks and underwear and then quickly decides she doesn't like them for some reason. Her brother is four years older, but they wear the same size. Hence, the "sharing" of discarded items.) We went through pants and shorts and then shirts. Finally, Hadley said, "What about these?"
I looked up at the disgusted look on her face as she held up two training bras. Hadley is only 9, but we have looked into bras, because she has questioned how her chest looks in thinner shirts. We went with the more "sporty" bras, but she never wore them. She had apparently shoved them in her closet in a deep hole hoping they might disappear.
"Well, let's save them," I told her. "You are going to have to wear bras one day."
"But Mom," she said, "I want to take those hormones and not have boobies."
Okay. So, back up to a year ago. I have several trans friends and follow several trans folks online. I try to share anything and everything that will help teach her the variety of humans that are out there. My mission has been to let her know there is NOTHING wrong with her, that her feelings are good and normal. I want her to know that there are people out there like her that are grown up and healthy and living happy lives. So, I showed her pictures of some trans people and explained that they are finding the body they always wanted to have. I explained hormones, and that these friends are changing their hormones to change their bodies. I also have shown Hadley all of my gay and lesbian friends that she might feel like are "like her." So, in this moment I said something else.
"Listen, you don't have to change your body. Look at Abby Wambach's instagram posts."
I showed her Abby's Instagram posts, especially the pictures that showed her in shirts that made it obvious she had breasts. I showed her Abby in suits and Abby in soccer clothes--WITH BOOBS.
I said, "Look. She has boobs. She doesn't look weird."
I showed her Megan Rapino, who is one of her heroes. I showed her any athletic picture of Megan with boobs or Megan in "boy clothes" with boobs.
"See?" I said. "She doesn't look weird with boobs, and she doesn't look like she feels weird."
You see, even though we have gotten past the gender norms for girls, Hadley now feels like she should totally took like a boy. If people think she is a boy in her "boy" clothes and short hair, she should be able to go without a shirt and not look like a girl in any way, including boobs. She would fit a different gender norm.
I'm not trying to talk her out of being trans or whatever she is in the end. I'm just trying to get her to see that she can be her WITH boobs. She can look like herself, have a girlfriend or wife, AND have boobs and be okay with that. I also told her that I, at 9-years-old, was MORTIFIED at the thought of having boobs or getting a bra. MOR-TI-FIED.
It seems that something new arises often, and I am challenged with how to handle the moment. I might not know what to say, but I will never sacrifice my discomfort for allowing my daughter to feel value and know that her feelings aren't "wrong."
I am also so grateful for so many great role models for her to follow and admire.
We are painting Hadley's dresser from brown to white and installing new hardware to match her loft bed, so of course she would want to go through her closet and rearrange the REST of her room. Of course she did. We went through her underwear (her boxer briefs) and socks and put the ones she didn't want in her brother's drawer. (Side note: Even though she wears boy clothes, she LOVES getting new ANYTHING. She loves new socks and underwear and then quickly decides she doesn't like them for some reason. Her brother is four years older, but they wear the same size. Hence, the "sharing" of discarded items.) We went through pants and shorts and then shirts. Finally, Hadley said, "What about these?"
I looked up at the disgusted look on her face as she held up two training bras. Hadley is only 9, but we have looked into bras, because she has questioned how her chest looks in thinner shirts. We went with the more "sporty" bras, but she never wore them. She had apparently shoved them in her closet in a deep hole hoping they might disappear.
"Well, let's save them," I told her. "You are going to have to wear bras one day."
"But Mom," she said, "I want to take those hormones and not have boobies."
Okay. So, back up to a year ago. I have several trans friends and follow several trans folks online. I try to share anything and everything that will help teach her the variety of humans that are out there. My mission has been to let her know there is NOTHING wrong with her, that her feelings are good and normal. I want her to know that there are people out there like her that are grown up and healthy and living happy lives. So, I showed her pictures of some trans people and explained that they are finding the body they always wanted to have. I explained hormones, and that these friends are changing their hormones to change their bodies. I also have shown Hadley all of my gay and lesbian friends that she might feel like are "like her." So, in this moment I said something else.
"Listen, you don't have to change your body. Look at Abby Wambach's instagram posts."
I showed her Abby's Instagram posts, especially the pictures that showed her in shirts that made it obvious she had breasts. I showed her Abby in suits and Abby in soccer clothes--WITH BOOBS.
I said, "Look. She has boobs. She doesn't look weird."
I showed her Megan Rapino, who is one of her heroes. I showed her any athletic picture of Megan with boobs or Megan in "boy clothes" with boobs.
"See?" I said. "She doesn't look weird with boobs, and she doesn't look like she feels weird."
You see, even though we have gotten past the gender norms for girls, Hadley now feels like she should totally took like a boy. If people think she is a boy in her "boy" clothes and short hair, she should be able to go without a shirt and not look like a girl in any way, including boobs. She would fit a different gender norm.
I'm not trying to talk her out of being trans or whatever she is in the end. I'm just trying to get her to see that she can be her WITH boobs. She can look like herself, have a girlfriend or wife, AND have boobs and be okay with that. I also told her that I, at 9-years-old, was MORTIFIED at the thought of having boobs or getting a bra. MOR-TI-FIED.
It seems that something new arises often, and I am challenged with how to handle the moment. I might not know what to say, but I will never sacrifice my discomfort for allowing my daughter to feel value and know that her feelings aren't "wrong."
I am also so grateful for so many great role models for her to follow and admire.
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